Sunday 15 September 2019

The Sylvanian Bake Offence

The Sylvanian Bake Off competition has become very popular over the last few years. The organisers have overcome many of the problems that countrywide events face in Sylvania by basing the first stage of the competition in the contestants' home village. This lessens the problems of travelling and the inconvenience of being away from home for extended periods. Expert judges travel to each village to assess the standard of baking, and if any pass muster they reach the next stage.

Since few villages have facilities to house multiple ovens and other kitchen hardware in one room, contestants are allowed to create their "showstoppers" in their own home. A judge will telephone a contestant at a pre-arranged time, the purpose being to notify them of the baking category. There would be two days to practise and create their baking masterpiece in readiness for the judges' arrival.

Cecile had entered last year. After one of the judges - Rudolf Patissier - had phoned her, I remember her replacing the receiver, looking at me with an expression combining confusion and amusement.


"My showstopper has to include a shoe!"

We had laughed, but Cecile devised a plan. A simple vanilla sponge, subtle cream fondant icing, with an elegant lady's shoe atop crafted in sugar work. She said that it had to look classy. I saw some of her preparatory work and I was proud of her.


Sadly, my pride was tempered with disappointment - I couldn't be there to support her as Chris Snow-Warren and I had a pre-arranged meeting out of the village. Lionel Grande was recording one of our songs and he wanted to include us in a discussion about its arrangement.

When we returned, the Bake Off heat was over. Cecile didn't have much to say beyond the fact that nobody from Mellowdene was successful. I had the impression something had gone wrong but - unusually - no-one seemed prepared to supply an explanation. I didn't pursue the matter aggressively, prepared to leave Cecile with her secrets in the knowledge that she would tell me when she was ready. That was nearly a year ago.

o 0 O 0 o

When I discovered a  Mellowdene Examiner article promoting this year's forthcoming Sylvanian Bake Off competition, I glanced at Cecile, busy peeling potatoes. She had made no mention of her experience last year, but the article had once again piqued my interest. Perhaps if I tried to be subtle? I cleared my throat to speak. Beverley looked up from her Bunny Craft magazine.


"I see they're gearing up for this year's Bake Off," I said, winking at my daughter. "Do you think you might enter again, sweetness?"

Cecile slowly raised her gaze to look at me. "No." She returned to her task.

"Oh, that's a shame. You are a good baker, you know."

"Thank you. But no."

"Oh, okay. I suppose after last year that's understandable." I turned back to my newspaper and waited.

There was a definite silence. From the corner of my eye, I could see Beverley alternately looking at Cecile and at me, a smile on her face. The tension grew until Cecile quietly spoke, enunciating each word.


"What do you know, Jackson?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing." I thought I may have overdone the dismissive tone, but no.

"Oh, you know, don't you?"

"I try not to pay attention to rumours, Cecile. I'd rather wait and hear the truth from your own lips."

Beverley giggled, then covered her mouth.

Cecile looked at her. "I think your aunt Eliza might like some help, dear. Go and check, will you?"

Beverley put down her magazine with a deliberation that spoke volumes. "Yes, mother."


Once our daughter had left the room, Cecile put down her peeling knife and regarded me sadly. "I'm sorry Jack. I haven't said anything because I didn't want you to think any less of me."

I smiled. "I love you, sweet wrinkle. Nothing you could do would change that."

"That's lovely," said Cecile, returning my smile. "First of all, I want you to  know that no one was physically hurt, despite what you may have heard."


I tried not to show any surprise at her words. "Of course not. Go on, my love."

With a deep breath, she prepared to tell her tale.

o 0 O 0 o

The judging took place in the village hall. All the contestants had taken their showstoppers there to await the judges' comments and decisions. Everyone was delighted when one of the judges turned out to be Mary Bear. The other judge was Rudolf Patissier, the one who had telephoned me to define my showstopper. A famous pastry chef with a questionable attitude, the dog was a new Bake Off judge, and it emerged that Mellowdene was the first time he had been given the role as senior judge. Mary Bear was there primarily for his support.

There were some lovely entries in the hall, and the contestants were admiring each other's work. However it soon became clear that not everyone thought that way.

I was the first to meet the judges. Mary Bear was pleasant, remarking on my shoe cake in glowing terms. On the other hand, Rudy bent forward, poked the cake with his paw and curled his lip at me. "Disqualified."

Mary Bear frowned. "Disqualified? Why?"

"She has ignored the only requirement. There's no choux pastry included."

He was about to walk away but I spoke up. "Wait a minute. When you phoned me, you didn't  mention pastry. You just said 'shoe'."

"Choux, you stupid rabbit. Maybe you haven't heard of eclairs, profiteroles, croquembouche. Choux." He extended the word. "You must lack basic intelligence to get that wrong."

"Rudy, " said Mary Bear, "it sounds a simple misunderstanding. Mrs Butterglove shouldn't be excluded because of ambiguity..."

"No." He was adamant. "Disqualified. I don't need idiots." He walked away.

I couldn't believe what had happened. Mary Bear shrugged, mouthing "sorry" before following her fellow judge to the next contestant, Flo VanDyke.

Her showstopper was an impressive fruit flan, with with twisted strands of pastry atop all interwoven into a trellis cage. She stood to its side, her smile uncertain after seeing the judge's treatment of me.

Rudy gave her work little more than a glance, concentrating more on Flo. "Oh, an otter. I'm surprised you've not foisted a fish flan on us. It will have a soggy bottom, I expect." He lifted the edge of the flan and poked a claw into the base. Tasting it, he scrunched his nose. "Soggy, sour and unworthy. Typical otter work." He dropped the flan. "Next."

Flo stared at him. "We are not here to be insulted, Mister Patissier."

He sniffed. "You know where the door is."

"Totally unacceptable behaviour," said Flo, and lifting her skirt she left the village hall.

Each contestant Rudy visited received derogatory remarks about their baking but also personal jibes.

Willow Thistlethorn was speechless.


Katherine Periwinkle was near to tears when he upended her impressive sculpture of cheese straws, constructed using a variety of cheeses and building techniques.


When Rudy had completed his insults of Emma Furbanks' competency, she turned her back on him.


His rudeness reached new heights when he attacked all aspects of Mona Hazelnut's showstopper.
He remarked how she should have her children taken away rather than have them eat her cooking. She burst into tears. Not long ago she had had a difficult birth with her baby, little Joe. He had needed extra care for those first ten months, and it was only a few weeks ago that she had felt able to leave him in others' care. 

Leaving her crying, he moved onto Beatrix Spotter.

"So you're the last one. And already I can see that your efforts are overcooked, so it's not worth my attention. I don't think I've seen any worse baking in this competition than I have here in this village. Unappetising, squelchy, brittle or tooth-breaking, these amateur efforts have made this journey a complete waste of time. Do you agree, Mary?"

Mary Bear was standing back, her head having been in her hands. Rudy laughed humourlessly. "You see? The famous Mary Bear has already given up on you all. I'll make it official, although you probably have guessed. None of you will go through to the next stage."

Mona's sobs became more audible. 

Rudy Patissier sighed irritably. "Oh, will someone stop that annoying mouse wailing? I'm here to see your miserable attempts at pastry work, not to suffer your emotional baggage. You understand? Pastry work. And one of you can't even manage that."

Mary Bear came forward and took hold of his arm, but he shrugged it off. He appeared to be out of control. He bent to glare at poor Mona. "And you're giving me a headache!"

I didn't really plan what I did next; I just knew I couldn't let this continue. I picked up my cake, moved to Rudy's side and rammed it down on top of his head. The sponge compressed, buttercream spurted out, and the fondant icing resembled a cross between a hat and a toupee, all with the shoe teetering on the crown.

Rudy was shocked into silence. In fact the entire room went quiet. Buttercream dripped on his nose.

A deep voice boomed, "Enough!"

Everyone turned to see Bisto Wildwood framed in the doorway. The Sheriff of Mellowdene is an imposing figure at any time, but when he deviates from his customary "strong and silent" persona, everyone listens.

He entered the village hall, Flo VanDyke slipping in behind, and he strode towards Rudy and fixed him with a stare. "What's happened to you?" he said, sounding most official.

Rudy wiped some buttercream away from his nose, raised his arm and pointed at me. "That stupid bunny assaulted me with her cake! What are you going to do about it?"

Voices began to grumble and get louder. With a single arm movement Bisto indicated they should be silent and then turned his attention to me. "This could constitute un-Sylvanian behaviour, Cecile. Is there any truth in this?"


I looked around the room and could see everyone watching me. "It is my cake. I did put it on his head. I know it was unforgivable."

Rudy's mouth twisted into a sneer. My fellow contestants were shaking their heads sadly. Bisto stroked his chin, about to make a decision, but before he could speak, Mary Bear pushed forward to stand in front of me.

"I wish to declare that Rudy is the one guilty of un-Sylvanian behaviour, and this is nothing new. He has been rude to all the people here, and you can see some have been crying. This is entirely due to his actions today. He is a bully who insults people and likes to belittle them so that he can feel superior. He is worse than Gordon Ram with a fraction of the skill. I have kept silent too long. It took this lady's bravery to stop his unforgivable bullying. Her actions were justified."

I stared at Mary, warmed by her words, but I knew that I was guilty and was ashamed.

When the shock of Mary's words hit home, Rudy began to waffle but Bisto cut him short then addressed the rest of the room.

"Has this gentleman been bullying any of you?"

Mary Bear muttered, "He's no gentleman," but Bisto ignored her, noting the nods and verbal confirmation by the villagers. He walked around, allowing them to whisper in his ear, learning of Rudy's actions.

He returned to stand in front of me and stroked his chin again. "You all know un-Sylvanian behaviour is not to be tolerated. Assault, even though the reasons may seem justified, isn't something I wish to encourage. That applies to both cake and the insults repeated to me."

Rudy had regained his confidence. "I am Rudolf Patissier ! I'm famous! I don't have to take this..."

"Quiet, you. I've made a decision," said Bisto. "First of all, Cecile. I want your promise that this won't happen again. I know you will keep your word, but to help you with this, Mister Patissier will leave Mellowdene and never return."

I nodded. "Of course, Sheriff. I promise." 

"Hmm. Second, and this applies to all you villagers. I don't want the rest of Mellowdene to hear of this. It could encourage vigilante behaviour. Any suggestions how your silence could be explained?"

"We don't want to lie," came a quiet comment from behind him. It was Katherine Periwinkle.

Emma Furbanks made a suggestion. "We could say that we were disappointed that none of us were considered good enough as bakers and we'd prefer not to talk about it."

Bisto nodded. "Sounds good. Everyone happy with that? Good."

Rudy glared at everyone in a wild manner. "I've got a cake on my head! Surely some punishment is due!"

Mary Bear stepped forward to face her fellow judge. "Some excellent baking was done here but due to your bias, their work will be unjustly passed over. I consider that punishment enough for Mellowdene. As for your punishment, when we get back to head office, I will state that I cannot work with you due to your behaviour and insist that you no longer are part of the programme for Sylvanian Bake Off. Before you speak, consider which of us the management would wish to retain if forced to choose. And take note - how much detail I give them regarding today's events is up to you."

The two judges regarded each other in silence. Bisto Wildwood watched them with a slight smile. "That's settled then. I suggest you leave on your river boat as soon as practicable. You'd better clean up before you go. By the way, is that a shoe?"

o 0 O 0 o

Cecile sniffed. "So that's what happened. I heard Rudolf was sacked. But all those bakers who entered the competition last year won't enter again. And I share the blame. I feel so ashamed."

I moved to hug her. "I'm proud of you. You stood up for our friends. I wouldn't expect anything else. It pains me that you're suffering."


I could see that I needed to lighten the mood. "Look at it this way. You have a good sole..."

"Oh, Jack..." Cecile started to speak but I put my finger on her lips.

"...and he was a heel..."

A smile started to appear on her face.

"...so someone needed to shoo him off."


There it was. She began to laugh quietly and the pent up emotion began to dissipate.


"I've wanted to tell you for so long, Jack. I should have done so, long ago. I hope I'll start to feel easier now." She smiled. "But enough. I need to finish off these potatoes for boiling. Go and get Beverley back."


I realised that the subject was now closed, and left the kitchen. However, I didn't need to search for my daughter as she was there in the passageway.


I lifted her chin to look into her eyes. "You heard?"

"Yes, daddy."

"You realise that this is a secret? That you mustn't tell anyone about this?"

"I know, daddy. I won't."

"Good girl."

We turned back to the kitchen. Before we re-entered, Beverley beckoned me and whispered in my ear.


"Isn't mummy brilliant?"

o 0 O 0 o


18 comments:

  1. Hello Jackson!

    Haha, that was hilarious! Cecile is officialy my new heroine! Beverley is right, she's brilliant! Rudolf Patissier was downright rude and abusive to everyone, he really needed a wake-up call! I wonder if he learnt from his mistakes and is humbler nowadays. Mary Bear did good too, defending everyone! I'm sure all the cakes and pastries were delicious. You did a wonderful job with Photoshop! The villagers should try participating again, I'm sure there's a much kinder and fairer judge this year!
    Loved the Gordon Ram reference, and I'm also a fan of "un-Sylvanian behaviour" as a crime, haha!

    Great job! Have a great week!

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    1. Thanks for your lovely comments Ayrell!

      Beverley figured out straight away that her dad was trying to manipulate her mum into telling her Bake-off secret, and she certainly wasn't going to miss out on the news! I just hope Brendan doesn't get a cake on his head!

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  2. Hi Jackson!
    What a great story!
    Cecile did a good job standing up to Rudolf Patissier! He definitely deserved it. I suspect you named him Rudolf because it sounded like "rude"? Let's hope there is a nicer judge this year to support and encourage the bakers. The cakes were wonderful and the photo-shop effect was great. Loved Cecile's "shoe" cake. So creative... even though Rudolf meant "cabbage". Hehe!

    Like Ayrell said, Cecile is also my new heroine. She did the right thing.
    All in all, wonderful story for the Bake-Off Challenge.
    Have a great day,
    Emilie :D

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    1. Oops, I was using my Mom's account. Here is mine :)

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    2. Well spotted, Emilie! Yes - the name of that ill-mannered judge was chosen for that very reason: he was a rude pastry chef! Thank you for your lovely comments.

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  3. What a great story Jackson! I loved it!
    Wow, I couldn't believe how rude Ruddy was! I was feeling sorry for the contestants, and especially poor Mona! He was just so heartless!
    Good on Cecile! I was delighted when she dumped the cake on his head! The arrival of the sheriff was quite soothing, knowing that order would soon be restored!
    I love the concept of un-Sylvanian behaviour!
    I hope that the villagers will take part again. There were some amazing creations-you never know, some of them might have the talent to take it all the way to the top!
    Have a great rest of the week!

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    1. Thanks Kelsie! Thanks for your kind words.

      Rudy Patissier was certainly a nasty piece of work - and his treatment of Mona was the last straw for Cecile. Poor Cecile was in a quandary - she didn't want to go against Bisto Wildwood's ruling and yet she didn't like keeping secrets from Jackson. On top of that she was deeply ashamed of her actions, even though we all think she was totally justified. With Jackson managing to con her into opening up, she should feel better.

      I was pleased to bring Bisto into the story. Having mentioned his name recently on the forum, I needed him to make an appearance.

      Enjoy your week!

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  4. Hi Jackson!
    I love all your stories but this is one of my favourites so far. I really enjoyed it! I could feel the contestant´s frustration, indignation and dissapointment.I feel so proud of Cecil! She did the right thing! Rudolf really deserved it!As soon as I saw him with those eyebrows and moustache I had the feeling he was going to be a serious and strict judge but I never thought he was going to be so rude and disrespectful.
    You did an amazing job with Photoshop and so did your mum with the cake. I´m really impressed! It looks wonderful, really profesional.
    Congrats on writing this great story. It was a pleasure to read.
    Have a lovely weekend!

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    1. Oh Cutata, that's a lovely thing to say. I'm delighted you enjoyed the story.

      Apart from all the obvious things - Jackson being manipulative, Beverley catching on, Rudolf being awful - it was nice to bring in some new characters as other contestants, and Bisto of course. Flo Vandyke's husband is also deputy sheriff (the same red coat as Bisto) so she hightailed it to get help once it was clear Rudy was acting unacceptably.

      I was happy to feature some of my mum's work to help keep her memory alive, so I'm pleased you appreciated her cake decorating skill.

      Thank you again. Have a great week!

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  5. Oh Jackson, there is so much to love here! I don't know about Cecile's behaviour being "un-Sylvanian" - after all, what is more Sylvanian than standing up for your friends against a bully? (Although it does seem like an awful waste of cake) :)
    Your mother's cake is beautiful - and what a lovely tribute to her that you have used the photo of it in this way.
    Plus I loved all your little plays on words - "shoe", "Gordon Ram" - totally made me giggle. :D

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    1. Thanks, GreyRabbit. I'm pleased you enjoyed my story, and welcomed your complements about my mum's work. As time passes, it's easy for others to forget her talents - she was a brilliant seamstress too, having made rose queen and wedding dresses on top of detailed dressmaking for her private customers. Showing one of her cakes in this story felt good.

      As for Cecile, I'm sure Bisto realised she wasn't being that "un-Sylvanian" once he was fully aware of the facts. He had to be seen to be fair though, and Cecile's "punishment" wasn't really a punishment - simply a mild "don't do it again".

      I love playing with words so I'm glad you enjoyed the ones in this tale. No doubt there will be more!

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  6. This is just perfect! Greetings from Pigjes!

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  7. Hahahah!!! What a great story!!! I love Cecile! And I must confess that I love Rudy Patissier's eyebrows and mustache!

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    1. Thank you Sophie!

      Cecile has hidden depths. I enjoy revealing glimpses of her character: strong, loving but just a hint of fire. Jackson loves her very much.

      Who would have thought adding a little hair to a Seadog would create such an unpleasant chap!

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  8. Replies
    1. Haha! They do add a touch of severity, don't they? Maybe they inspired his unSylvanian character!

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